I think that right now writing is my only salvation.
I hate this feeling. I woke up this morning and started my day how I normally do with a bowl of Weetabix and an episode of House of Cards. But this time I just wasn’t feeling it. I was lying on the couch in my basement and stopped mid-episode (which rarely happens) and thought to myself, “Fuck. I know this feeling. Not again.”
In my life I’ve always tried to maintain the illusion that everything is perfect. This is the exact thing that has been my downfall and broken me down on the inside. That along with a few other heartbreaks.
I’m very private when it comes to my inner thoughts and emotions and usually nobody knows what I’m going through. Especially not my parents. I never tell them anything because I’ve always wanted to be the perfect child in their eyes. Letting them know that I was ever unhappy would have been my biggest fear growing up because I know how much they love me and how much my happiness means to them.
However, my relationship with my parents is not the kind where I tell them everything that is going on in my life; it’s the opposite. They never know when I’m feeling down and I would rather lash out at them and let them think I’m just being moody than having them know that I’m feeling utterly depressed.
I’ve honestly been dealing with these kinds of feelings since about 8th grade. But since I was always the “perfect student” and “teacher’s pet” I couldn’t let anyone know that something was wrong behind the exterior surface of who I was. I don’t even know why I am writing about this and going so far into my past when I know it is only bringing back negative memories. I don’t know what is happening right now because I thought I was in such a good place in my life yet here I am sitting in bed crying over my laptop while I try to figure out what’s wrong.
It’s the feeling that there’s nothing out there for me. That anything I do in my life won’t be enough to give it meaning. No matter how well I do in school or how many friends I have it won’t change the way I feel inside.
The awful thing is I never know when my mood is just going to completely take over and fucking put a halt to my life and not let me accomplish anything. And that only makes it worse because I am a perfectionist and HATE it when I lack control.
That’s probably the reason I don’t reach out to people. Because a) I like to be independent and b) I don’t know who I can truly depend on. So many people who I’ve depended on before are now no longer in my life or have betrayed me. I feel like every time I do reach out, I just end up heartbroken again. It’s just an awful thing having to deal with this all on your own. You have nowhere to escape to when a wave of emotions crashes onto the rocky shores of your mind and floods through your body until you are drowning and can no longer breathe.
That is a place I do not want to go again.
I’m hoping that this little episode I am going through right now will pass. I have been doing so much better recently, especially since being home. Today was a lovely Mother’s Day; we played scrabble outside, went on a bike ride, soaked up some sun, drank some beer, ate some BBQ, went to the beach, and watched the sun set. It’s just little things sometimes that seem to set me off. It’s the fear of being the girl again who used to not eat at all until night-time when she would completely binge on whatever she snuck up to her room and then hate herself for doing it afterwards, the girl who once locked her door and tried to hurt herself in different ways but didn’t know how, the girl who didn’t want to leave her bed for months because she felt like everything was just going down the drain.
Even on a beautiful day like today, I wasn’t able to fully enjoy the blossoms falling around me as I breathed in the warm air cradling me to the earth or the grandeur of the star so far away warming our planet slowly disappearing below the horizon as we rotated away from it.
I want to be strong. I accept that sometimes I can’t control my emotions. I’m only human. The important thing is not hating your life because of the bad days, but wanting to go on in hope of the good days. Tomorrow is a new day. Until then I just need to try to find myself again and take care of her. That’s all that matters.