Last night, I just could not sleep. I don’t know what it was, but the second I lay my weary body down to rest, instead of being welcomed by sweet sleep like I was looking forward to all day, I was attacked by an army of my own thoughts.
I’m sure we’ve all experienced it. You’ve been exhausted all day and have been counting down the seconds until your head hits the softness of your pillow. But for some reason, the second you close your eyes a whirlwind of thoughts starts racing through your head. The last thing you want to be doing in that moment is worrying that you may have forgotten to write something down on your list of things to remember to do the consequent day and that you’re not going to remember to do said thing when you wake up.
However, it happens.
It’s like when my eyes are open and my mind is active during the day, there are some things that they choose to be blind to. Unfortunately for me, the darkness tends to reveal these things to my oh-so-naïve mind. Sometimes I actually am able to see more when my eyes are shut.
Some of the particular thoughts going through my head last night were about anxiety. I was looking back and reliving so many moments where I had been easily irritated or irrational because of a feeling that was bubbling up inside of me.
One day, one of my good friends was just hanging out on the floor of my room and his headphones got all tangled up; the way he was just spread out and lying on my bean bag so carelessly, in addition to the messy state of my room, caused me to get all worked up until I eventually yelled and kicked him out. I swear it was the tangling of the headphones that drove me crazy.
I’m no doctor, but I do believe that these incidents could be explained by anxiety. As I mentioned in a previous post, life hasn’t always been so easy for me, mentally and emotionally. It’s definitely scary to think about, and I don’t appreciate my sleepy mind bringing all of these emotions back into view, only for me to start worrying about it all over again.
I’ve never wanted to face these feelings head on. But it is one of my goals to build up the courage to seek help eventually. It’s hard since my anxious thoughts and feelings come and go depending on how much stress I am under; I never know when it’s going to suddenly get worse and I’m going to regret not having anyone there to talk about it.
Oh well… For now, I am doing fine and have definitely been more aware and in control of any anxieties that plague my mind.
Hopefully writing about all of this will help, and maybe even help some of you who may be able to relate.
I have an awful habit of brushing off any health or mental-related problems I have, thinking that it will pass or “I’ll just deal.” I know it’s awful, but I honestly sometimes feel that my problems aren’t worth bothering a doctor with. I feel that they may just say “it’s no big deal,” and tell me to go home. It takes a lot of courage for me to tell someone that there is something wrong with me, even if they are paid to be there to listen. I think it’s the fear of telling someone face-to-face about my problems and worrying that I may not remember to tell them everything or that I wasn’t accurately describing my situation, causing them to not be able to help me. I know it may sound silly, but as I said, that’s just how my mind works.
I believe I have a lot of anxiety about having anxiety. Oh, my life is a mess sometimes.
I hope some of you may be able to relate. Sometimes our brains can be too smart for their own good, but that’s just how life works.
In other news, I’ve been thinking about starting a novel…
I know some of you may be thinking that’s waaay too ambitious for a soon-to-be college sophomore, but imagine how spectacular it would be if I were actually able to accomplish that goal. I want to aim big. I want to dream and be creative and work hard at something. I would like any support or advice I could get, considering I’m new at this. 🙂
I’ve started to write every day, which will hopefully help me to improve. Even if the novel ends up being a total flop, at least I will have learned something and grown as a writer. In my opinion, there is no way I can actually fail by trying to do this.
So wish me luck on this journey and I hope to speak with all of you soon.