Monday Musings: Longing for How I Used to Be

Hello all…

Do you ever find a movie that just speaks to your inner thoughts and emotions? Well I just found one one Netflix called The Sisterhood of Night. MV5BODg3MjE0MDM4N15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwOTY0MjE5NDE@._V1_SX214_AL_You may recognize the main actress (Georgie Henley) from the Chronicles of Narnia series. Last time I saw those movies she was only a girl, but now Lucy is all grown up and apparently shredded any trace of her British accent.

This movie made me cry.

It made me cry because it reminded me of what it was like being a young teenage girl, going through everything without always feeling like she had a place to turn to. In the movie, a town goes into utter chaos because there are rumors of a “cult,” called the Sisterhood, that has been formed by some of the girls at the local high school. Nobody outside of the Sisterhood really knows what it is, and with the added online rumors being spread around by their fellow classmates, parents and media alike obsess over the scandalous mystery of what these young girls are getting up to at night. I’m not going to spoil the ending, but it is very touching and shows the importance of a) having someone you trust to talk to and b) being able to have privacy and keep certain things to yourself.

It reminded me of a time in my high school life where everything felt so out of control that I made a promise to myself to avoid people as much as possible, as well as removing myself from social media altogether. Every day in school I would hide myself away in the library, especially during the busiest time of the day… lunch time. My mind sometimes ran away from me, and the added pressure of having to try to fit in with the groups I hung out with was too much for me at the time. I must admit, getting off of social media and limiting my interactions with other people did help my clear my head up. It helped me see past the superficial relationships/technology that had been holding me down and let me respect my own needs by giving myself the space and time I needed to figure out how to deal with what I was going through.

This movie definitely had similar themes to the dilemmas I faced in high school. It also made me slightly nostalgic to when things weren’t so complicated, yet somehow more potent and intense.

Now that I’m more grown up, I obviously have the ability to make more decisions for myself, and I would hope that I now know myself a lot better in order to do so. Those precious years when I was turning into the person I would be for the rest of my life were the ones that will stay with me and hold an importance in my heart forever. Those years were crucial when it came to becoming an independent person and learning what mattered to me most. Those years were hard.

I’m sure that if I ever become a mother I’m going to have to deal with a moody teenage daughter (going off of my past behavior growing up), and at times will have no idea where to turn to or how to help her. I suppose the most important thing that I’ve learned going through this experience myself is that people love you and will always be there for you, even when you come to them with parts of your life that you thought were so horrible that no one would be able to help.

It’s scary growing up, not knowing if anyone else understands you or has been what you’re going through. I assure you, they have. It’s important to keep the people who are really important to you close, and recognize those who are only there bringing you down.

At some points of high school, I was afraid because I wasn’t able to picture where I would be in the close future. I couldn’t see how I was going to make it out of there. I thought that high school was going to be the end of me and that I would ever escape. I’m so glad I kept going, because what other choice did I really have?

Although it was such a confusing and dramatic period of my life, I am grateful for having to go through it. It taught me so much and forced me to feel things so strongly that I haven’t felt since. Maybe it’s because of all of the numbing that society and media forces upon you, along with other escapes that we find to avoid feeling those intense emotions again, like drugs or alcohol.

Admittedly, those intense emotions I felt in high school were sometimes unbearable: emotions of despair, grief, love, and the thrill of it all. But I do miss them. I miss the way I used to be. When I still didn’t really know what was out there in the world (I’m not sure I still do, but at least I’m a little more aware) and where my place was in it. I miss being naïve and having to grow up. However, now that some of the growing up has occurred, I realize that some of the darkest days of my life have also turned out to be some of my most precious memories.

I hope that if I ever have a daughter, I am able to convey to her that whatever she goes through, she will not be alone in it. No matter whether I will be able to relate or not, I hope to promise her that I will always try to understand, even and especially when she thinks no one will.


5 thoughts on “Monday Musings: Longing for How I Used to Be

  1. Anonymous says:

    Great connection to your personal life! Way to find an applicable life lesson and put yourself in another persons shoes. Sounds like you’ll be an awesome mother.


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